if you like me you must not know who I am
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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