my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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