11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
