My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
