my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize