party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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