Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
