any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
