i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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