I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
