Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
