im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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