the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
