Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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