question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
