Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
