Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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