Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
