i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You pole danced in your parka.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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