I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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