So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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