Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
