Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
