making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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