The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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