Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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