I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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