Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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