Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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