Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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