My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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