my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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