and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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