I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
your room smells of hookers.
And success
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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