How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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