new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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