Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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