she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
