be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
