I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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