roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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