If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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