He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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