ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
