what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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