Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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