my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize