I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
