Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
