Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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