So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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