Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
