She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
