i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
