BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
