My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
