Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
